I guess I’m gonna take a shower because if I do happen to go to the emergency room tonight or tomorrow morning I don’t want to have unwashed hair. :\
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My dad asked to see Fifty Shades of Grey when I was done reading it for today. Shoot me. He is outside reading it now. Does he not know what its about?
I need to get over the fact I never had a date to prom. No silly guy friend to rent a white tux and look cheesy as hell with his matching bow-tie to my gown. I never had the “putting on the corsage picture” and never will. But maybe that’s for the best. I cant really think of any guys I went to high school with who would’ve fit the part, and Id look back and smile that it was him. And while it is protocol to have a date, it could have made prom worse. I mean Kelsey went with Linhai, and so she didn’t really have a date. Emma and Jocelyn both had their husbands. Yes, husbands. Because that’s what Jason is now, and Charles will surely follow. I missed the pizzazz in their relationship. But, I’m sure other people miss it in mine. So you cant judge a book by its cover, can you?
If I could relive highschool, would I have done it any differently? I probably would’ve crushed less on guys, and/or weighed less and looked hotter so when I did crush it wouldn’t be a big FAT no.
I don’t really agree with the character, Ana in the novel. I don’t find her male opposite to be as irresistible as she feels. In fact, quite the opposite. If I were in her shoes I would’ve seriously ran to Alaska. But that’s just me. I guess it depends on how you grew up.
Sometimes I feel like all of my friends and family think poorly of Pawel because all I ever do is vent to them about him. I should stop, because that’s not fair to him. I always think to myself, When did I fall out of the honey moon-stage? Aren’t couples supposed to be kissy-kissy cant keep their hands off each other for at least the first five years of their relationship? Or am I wrong? Maybe those couples never made it anyway. I think back to how I was stifled to speak of him in the beginning. I don’t blame my friends or family. I’d vomit from too much gushy talk too. Especially if I were dissatisfied with my own love life, I’d tell my friend to shut up and make it very clear I cannot stand this kind of talk. But I was so high. I used to call it cloud 11 because cloud 9 simply wasn’t high enough for the way I felt about him. Its so much easier when you go through something like that with a close friend. You can both talk about the exact same situations and its amazing. Megan and I did this all year, except with how our boyfriends aren’t acting the way we wish they were. Nonetheless, she and I could only do that with one another. No one else would want to hear it. But sometimes I feel like I completely turned that switch off, the one that was my positive-Pawel conversation. And you know how your suddenly become what you speak of?…or something like that. Maybe my words became my actions. And the feeling is lost. Well, I want to be able to go back to that, to where I cant shut up about him. But no one wants to listen…at least for myself. The thing is, two Decembers ago he didn’t tell me about his daily poop, or chew with his mouth open in front of me, or fart in my presence during moments I was…was..in the mood. Some people claim they would die to be in my shoes and to be with a guy and be that comfortable. But sometimes I miss the high. There’s nothing like a rush of excitement not knowing what to expect from someone you’re insanely attracted to. You feel butterflies everywhere and you cant stop smiling. Everything feels magical. I was under his spell…his charm. And now that we’ve grown so close, I feel, sometimes like his sister. And in some ways that’s good, but in other ways I miss the excitement. Its comforting to hop in his car and know what to expect. I know how to handle him when he’s mad, or tired. I know that if I rub his back after he’s worked all day it will mean a lot to him. But I miss the thrill of going over his place for the first time. We were exciting. He’s not to blame. Look at me. Take one look at the disgusting person I’ve become. I just want to get the fire back. Maybe summer will help. I just don’t want it to hurt.
I hope everything works out.
That’s it, I’m choosing New York.
I know if I stay in LA I’ll just be pissed with myself that I’m missing out on the chance to stalk my love. I need to find out the clubs he’ll frequent! Lose weight and get super high heels so that when he sees me at the club he’ll hopefully be drunk enough to…
guess I will spend my time in the downtown area in August, thank goodness I’m finally 21.
When you develop an infatuation for someone you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you. It doesn’t need to be a good reason. Taking photographs of the night sky, for example. Now, in the long run, that’s just the kind of dumb, irritating habit that would cause you to split up. But in the haze of infatuation, it’s just what you’ve been searching for all these years.
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| — | Leonardo DiCaprio, The Beach (via whoneedssunshine) |
